It’s only words!

really?

الله says - عَلَّمَهُ البَيَانَ

he taught us eloquent speech - but why can’t we speak eloquently?

The Answer is in the Qur’an! (as always!)

And isn’t it amazing how words can change the dynamics of relationship? Between الله and his creations!

So what is Effective Communication ?

It’s when both speaker and listener feel satisfied! When we understand and ARE understood with clarity and purpose.

Why is it important?

For your own…

1. Emotional well-being -

• so you can express your self and emotions in a healthy manner
• so you manage your own stress, get support when needed!

2. Marriage

• to be happy,in a peaceful and satisfied marriage
• to set good example for children to “experience” and witness a happy married life

3. Parenting

• good tarbiyyah - guiding and supporting children with Qur’an and Sunnah (how will they listen to you if - you don’t know the BEST WAY TO SPEAK TO THEM??)
• understanding children (BEST WAY TO LISTEN TO THEM )

4. Community

• al-amr bi-l-ma’ruf wa-n-nahy ‘an al-munkar,
• be Beneficial to ummah

Surah Al-Imran, Ayah 110 (3:110): “You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allah. If only the People of the Scripture had believed, it would have been better for them. Among them are believers, but most of them are defiantly disobedient."- The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “The best of people are those who are most beneficial to people.” (Al-Mu’jam al-Awsat, Hadith 6192)

In another hadith, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Whoever is not concerned with the affairs of the Muslims is not one of us.” (Sunan Abi Dawud, Hadith 4262)

So what are the common problems we face while communicating?

Surah Al-Isra, Ayah 53 (17:53): “And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces [dissension] among them. Indeed, Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy.”

Common Problems?

1. Not Listening:

• Lack of Active Listening - we are not paying attention to what people say, or we are only listening to reply, not to understand

2. Unclear: Messages - people don’t understand what you mean

3. Body language: Nonverbal Communication Mismatch - body and face says something else

4. Emotional Reactivity: We are reacting and not responding to what is being said/asked.

5. Assumptions and Jumping to Conclusions: We listen incorrectly or passively and derive own conclusions

6. Lack of Empathy: We don’t understand the other person’s perspective or where they are coming from

7. Cultural Differences: People from different cultures have different meanings and definitions

8. Language Barriers: like above, language and meanings can cause issues

9. Distractions and Noise: Leads to inactive listening or misunderstandings

10. Avoidance and Withholding Information: We don’t tell the whole things - we share in bits and pieces and expect complete solutions

11. Defensiveness: We try to defend our views and opinions and prove ourselves correct

12. Dominating the Conversation: We don’t let others speak - not giving them enough space or time to have a proper say in the conversation

Let’s look at some solutions:

The solution to most of the above problems is in EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, but let’s focus on the 2 core parameters right now -

1. Self Awareness -> TAZKIYAH :

self-reflection, self-improvement, and the cultivation of positive qualities.

“قَدْ أَفْلَحَ مَن زَكَّاهَا وَقَدْ خَابَ مَن دَسَّاهَا” “Indeed, he succeeds who purifies it (the soul), and indeed, he fails who corrupts it.”

~ Surah Al-Shams (The Sun), Ayah 9-10

How does this help?

Self awareness basically means being aware of your thoughts, emotions, actions and intentions. Developing this will lead you to being in a state of alertness and even GOD consciousness = TAQWA

This will then help you be aware of your own limitations, flaws, goodnesses, and behaviour especially with people. You will KNOW when to do what - and then correct it if needed.

Some problems it will help with are :

1. Active Listening : we will be aware of speaking and not wander off, or pay divided attention

2. Body language - tone, delivery, expressions - we will be aware of how we are sounding, looking and appearing to other people

3. Emotional Reactivity : we will be aware of not REACTING - but slowly responding with the correct answer/response.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “Beware, in the body there is a piece of flesh; if it is sound, the whole body is sound, and if it is corrupt, the whole body is corrupt, and behold, it is the heart.”

(Sahih al-Bukhari, Book 2, Hadith 49; Sahih Muslim, Book 33, Hadith 1599)

Here, from developing self awareness we will also become aware of the diseases in our own hearts and we can correct our affairs to align with Qur’an and Sunnah, إن شاءاللّٰه

2. Empathy

Thinking and trying to experience what others’ think or feel.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Book 2, Hadith 12)

Empathy is when we are trying to understand how others' see the world, you and where they are coming from. It is being aware of the differences between ourselves and them and using that information to improve our relationships and actions.

How does this help?

Practicing empathy is always trying to THINK ABOUT AND FEEL for Others, practicing HILM AND RAHMAH all the time.

For example: When my husband is in a bad mood, it is MY EMPATHY that I am trying to be aware of his state and not upset him further.

If my child is crying or throwing a tantrum I need to FEEL what she is going through, what is hurting her, what she can’t speak and convey but needs some action from me.

Some problems it can help solve are :

1. Cultural Differences
2. Defensiveness
3. Dominating conversations
4. Assuming or jumping to conclusions

Some more hadith to shed light on this -

“A true believer is not involved in taunting, or frequently cursing (others) or in indecency or abusing.” (Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Hadith 96)

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak good or keep silent.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Book 73, Hadith 47)

“Allah is Kind and He loves kindness in all matters.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Book 73, Hadith 92)

“The strong man is not the one who can overpower others (in wrestling); rather, the strong man is the one who controls himself when he gets angry.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Book 73, Hadith 135)

All the above hadith urge you to be aware of your ownself, state and others so we ARE FAIR AND KIND.

But HOW?

For you to become an EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATOR please do the following:

1. Daily self reflection - actions, emotions, intentions

• At the end of everyday - write down what you did (important, different, arguments, negative emotions, anything that stands out or stays in mind)
• Write down your emotions - what did you feel today? (sad, anger, happy, peace, etc)
• Write down your intentions - did you do this for الله ? husband? kids? self?

Doing this will help you SEE yourself and find patterns in your own behaviour like - when do you do you get angry? sad? who triggers you? what do you do when you get upset?

You already know the answer to most of the problems, now you can slowly work on solutions. Or you can always ask help in these matters. إن شاءاللّٰه

2. Constant feedback - ask family + friends

Despite self awareness, we can’t know or see things in us the way others' do. The only way to correct those would be through FEEDBACK (REGULAR, unbiased and actionable)

Start with the ones closest to you, and most comfortable to you. So can you be honest and ask for feedback.

You can say - " hey xyz, I am trying to do an experiment/ activity/ self improvement task I need help from you! Please can you tell me what’s good/bad about me? What needs to improve? What upsets you? What makes you happy about me? Anything you think I really need to change/or work on?”

Be gentle, humble and honest when asking. Don’t get defensiveness or hurt when they say something you don’t like. Just listen. Clarify if needed. But just collect that information for now and make a list of common problems your family members report about you.

Start with husband, parents, friends, children (they can be brutally honest) and other people you can approach.

3. Salah - CONCENTRATION, humility, understanding

Our daily Salah is the best tool to practice mindfulness and awareness. The intense dose of being aware of self, thoughts, actions and intentions then becomes easy to practice at other parts of the day and life.

Learn more about mindfulness in Salah Start with - intentions, method, adhkaar of salah, meanings of qur’an you recite, be aware of when you wander, what do you think in salah, where does your mind go? Just watch these thoughts and try to bring it back to الله

He is watching us all the time, especially in Salah - be aware that you are in front of him, just like on the day of judgement

4. Shukr - Practicing Gratitude will lead you to a more satisfied and happy life. in this world and the next

All the above points will start adding up and get refined while practicing shukr - self aware of your state, blessings and empathy for those who don’t have

5. Sabr - Being grateful when things are hard is sabr - waiting for الله ’s mercy is sabr.

Again self awareness and empathy will help you a lot here.

6. Knowledge -

Gain more knowledge about things like self awareness, taqwa, tazkiyah, and empathy. Just knowledge of the Qur’an and sunnah, knowledge of how to be a better wife and mother will start connecting in life and improve your relationships.

I am in love with this quote I found the other day -

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seem too short. ~ Andre Maurois

BONUS!

A Happy marriage RECIPE (from Tony Robbins Awaken the Giant Within - Relationship Destiny)

1.VALUES AND RULES: Ask each other your values and rules - so you are AWARE of them before either of you gets upset.

2.GIVE MORE : Try to give more, it will help develop gratitude, kindness, self awareness and empathy. It will also make you feel AWESOME!

3.ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE :Appreciate your partners - big and small things.

4.High priorities : Do you want to be in love together or be right? Do you want your children to have a happy life or witness you struggling like this?

5.BETTER EVERY Day : Try to be better as a wife, mother and a muslimah every day! How can you make each day special for your husband/wife?

6.ID SIGNS + Take action : Identify warning signs and take action immediately. Something hurt/upset you - address it immediately in a polite manner - example : " I don’t like the way you laughed at me at the dinner table, please don’t do it again. it hurts me." Or " you have been very silent lately, i am worried. please let me know how I can help?"

Other resources:

Take Self Awareness Test: https://www.mindtools.com/axbwm3m/how-emotionally-intelligent-are-you

Summary

Importance for effective comminaction: self-love and esteem, blessed marriage, Islamic parenting, benefitting ummah

Solutions: For effective communication Develop Emotional Intelligence Practice self awareness + empathy

How to practice Self-awareness + empathy?

1. daily self-reflection: write your thoughts, emotions, actions, and intentions
2. Constant feedback : ask family and friends about your positives and negatives
3. Salah focus - khushu': an intense dose of self-awareness (mindfulness through salah - try to improve it ) will be easier to practice in other areas
4. Shukr + sabr : count your blessings, be AWARE of them, Thank الله and others when needed, be grateful even in bad times
5. knowledge: learn more about being a better wife, mother and muslimah! Understand salah, Qur’an, hadith and their application. Gain information about self awareness techniques and empathy

Action plans

1. Make dua - الله help!

• ask الله for hikmah and hilm
• Musa and Ibrahim (as) dua

2. test self-awareness

• Take Self Awareness Test: https://www.mindtools.com/axbwm3m/how-emotionally-intelligent-are-you

• self reflection - find out your current level

3. set goals

• effective communication for what?
• improve as? wife, mother, ……?

4. talk to husband (v + r)

• note your values and rules
• don’t cross or break them

5. ask feedback : what do i need to improve in?

• Take feedback from husband, family, friends
• be gentle, humble, honest, objective while asking
• don’t feel hurt or defensive (this is how we improve!)

6. repeat - others (kids)

• take kids' feedback also

7. start small (intentions)

• practice silence (3 deep breaths in difficult situation)
• ta’wuz
• remember reward for patience for الله
• think before speaking (respond don’t react!)
• how will other person feel at what you say? Would الله be pleased with your behaviour and response?

8. shukr and sabr = count your blessings every day!

• think about others less and worse than you!
• give more, take less

9. increase in knowledge!

• learn deen (Qur’an and Sunnah)
• learn emotional intelligence (self awareness + empathy)
• communication skills